Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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