So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
