im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
