I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
