God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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