I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
