I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
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I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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