I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
