Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
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Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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