last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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