I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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