I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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