I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
