I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
