my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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