I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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