The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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