what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
