What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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