It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
