and you said cock pushups were impossible
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
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