I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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