Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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