I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
