The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
