Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
