God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
