Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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