At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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