So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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