The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
