Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
