There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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