i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
