i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
