Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"