peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me