i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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