is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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