How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
