Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
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it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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