So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
