If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
