i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
