Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
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I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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