you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
