capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My dick has a subreddit
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
