Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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