I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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