Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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