went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
