I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And then the night went full on bisexual.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
