yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
