There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
