i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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