Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
