margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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