I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
